Most relationships don’t fall apart because of one dramatic moment.
More often, the distance grows quietly through small, everyday habits that don’t seem particularly harmful at the time—the unanswered question, the phone that doesn’t get put down, the kiss you stop giving, the thank you you no longer say or the conversation you keep avoiding.
Each moment may seem insignificant, but when these behaviours happen repeatedly, they begin to change how partners feel about each other. Warmth disappears, resentment builds and two people who once felt deeply connected can gradually begin living more like housemates.
In Episode 133 of the Empowered Marriage Podcast, I explore eight hidden habits that slowly destroy relationships and what couples can do to begin changing them.
1. Taking Your Partner for Granted
In the beginning of a relationship, we tend to notice our partner. We thank them, compliment them and make an effort to show them they matter.
Over time, it is easy to become focused on what hasn’t been done rather than everything your partner contributes. Appreciation is replaced by expectation, and your partner can begin to feel invisible or taken for granted.
A simple “thank you,” a genuine compliment or acknowledging something your partner has done can help restore warmth and goodwill.
2. Turning Away From Bids for Connection
A bid for connection is any small attempt to receive your partner’s attention, affection or interest.
It might be showing them something on your phone, telling them about your day, reaching for their hand or saying, “Come and look at this.”
When those bids are continually ignored, dismissed or met with irritation, the person reaching out will eventually stop trying. It may not look serious in the moment, but repeated rejection can create deep emotional disconnection.
Turning towards your partner can be as simple as looking up, listening and showing them that what matters to them also matters to you.
3. Criticism Disguised as Honesty
There is a difference between raising a concern and attacking your partner’s character.
“You never think about anyone but yourself” feels very different from, “I felt hurt when that happened, and I need us to talk about it.”
Criticism often gets defended as “just being honest,” but honesty without care can quickly become hurtful. When your partner regularly feels judged, corrected or made to feel inadequate, emotional safety begins to disappear.
Healthy communication focuses on the behaviour, explains the feeling and makes a clear request for what is needed.
4. Becoming Defensive
Defensiveness is often an attempt to protect ourselves from feeling blamed, criticised or inadequate.
You may explain your intentions, point out what your partner did wrong or say, “But you do that too.”
The problem is that your partner’s hurt becomes lost in the defence. Instead of feeling heard, they feel dismissed, and the conversation becomes a battle over who is right.
Taking responsibility does not mean accepting all the blame. It means being willing to recognise your part and understand the impact your behaviour had on your partner—even when that impact was not your intention.
5. Allowing Contempt to Enter the Relationship
Contempt can appear through sarcasm, mocking, name-calling, eye-rolling or speaking to your partner as though you are superior to them.
It is one of the most damaging habits that can develop in a relationship because it attacks a person’s worth rather than addressing a particular issue.
Once contempt becomes normal, respect and affection begin to erode. Partners stop feeling like they are on the same team and begin treating each other like opponents.
Changing contempt requires awareness, accountability and a deliberate return to respect.
6. Withdrawing and Using Silence
Some people become louder when they feel hurt, while others shut down, withdraw or stop speaking.
Taking time to regulate yourself during conflict can be healthy. However, disappearing emotionally, refusing to communicate or using silence to punish your partner creates more insecurity and distance.
If you need space, communicate it clearly:
“I’m feeling overwhelmed and need 20 minutes to settle myself. I will come back so we can finish this conversation.”
The important part is returning and repairing rather than leaving the issue unresolved.
7. Letting Phones and Busyness Take Over
Couples often say they don’t have time to connect, yet hours can disappear into social media, television, gaming, work and other distractions.
The phone comes to bed. The television stays on through dinner. Conversations happen while one person is looking at a screen. Slowly, attention moves away from the relationship.
You don’t necessarily need more time. You may need to become more intentional with the time you already have.
Put your phones away for 10 minutes, sit together and ask each other:
“How was your day?”
“How did you feel today?”
“What do you need from me tonight?”
Small, focused conversations can create more connection than spending hours together while distracted.
8. Losing Curiosity About Each Other
One of the quietest habits that destroys relationships is believing you already know everything about your partner.
People continue to grow, change and experience life differently. When curiosity disappears, assumptions take its place.
Instead of asking how your partner feels, you decide you already know. Instead of wondering what is happening underneath their behaviour, you attach a negative meaning to it.
Remaining curious allows you to keep discovering the person beside you.
Ask questions such as:
“What has been on your mind lately?”
“Is there anything you have been struggling to tell me?”
“What would help you feel closer to me?”
How to Rebuild Connection in Your Relationship
If you recognise these habits in your own relationship, don’t use them as another reason to blame yourself or your partner.
Awareness gives you the opportunity to do something differently.
Start with the small moments:
- Greet each other warmly and say goodbye with affection.
- Put your phone down when your partner speaks.
- Ask about their day and listen without immediately fixing.
- Express appreciation for something they have done.
- Speak honestly about feeling lonely, hurt or disconnected.
- Make clear requests rather than criticising.
- Come back and repair after conflict.
- Create time for affection, fun and intimacy.
- Stay curious about who your partner is becoming.
Relationships are strengthened in the same way they are weakened—through the small things that happen repeatedly.
When You Need Help Reconnecting
Sometimes couples can identify their habits but still feel trapped in the same cycle. One partner criticises or pursues while the other becomes defensive or withdraws, and despite both wanting things to improve, neither knows how to interrupt the pattern.
My Relationship Reset Assessment is an outcome-focused starting point designed to help you understand what is happening beneath the conflict or distance, recognise the patterns keeping you stuck and identify what your relationship needs next.
For couples who require deeper support, the assessment can lead into my 60-Day Marriage Reset™, where we work intensively to rebuild connection, closeness and trust.
I offer marriage and relationship counselling in Capalaba for couples across Brisbane and the Redlands, as well as online support throughout Australia.
[Book your Relationship Reset Assessment through Power of Change Counselling & Coaching.]
