Have you ever noticed that the more your partner pulls away, the more you want to chase?
They go quiet and you want to talk. They need space and you want to get closer. You sense something isn’t right, so you ask what’s wrong. You want to fix it, get reassurance and know that the relationship is okay.
I understand this pattern because I used to be the chaser.
Looking back now, I can see that I wasn’t chasing simply because I cared deeply or wanted to communicate. I was chasing because I was insecure. I was a people pleaser. I didn’t have strong boundaries, I avoided conflict and I often sacrificed myself to keep the peace.
Underneath so much of it was a belief I didn’t recognise at the time:
“If you’re okay, then I can be okay.”
And when you live from that place, your partner pulling away can feel incredibly threatening.
Chasing Can Look Like Love, But Underneath It Can Be Fear
When you’re the chaser in a relationship, it can feel as though you’re simply trying to make things better.
You want to communicate. You want to resolve the disagreement. You don’t want to go to bed angry. You want to understand why your partner has suddenly become quiet or distant.
But sometimes there’s something deeper happening.
When your partner pulls away, you might immediately think:
Have I done something wrong? Are you angry with me? Do you still love me? Are we okay? Are you going to leave?
You may tell yourself, “I just want to sort this out.”
But underneath that might actually be:
“I need you to be okay with me so I can feel okay about myself.”
That’s an important difference.
Why Does Your Partner Pulling Away Feel So Uncomfortable?
For some people, a partner needing space is simply that — their partner needs space.
For the chaser, however, that distance can feel much bigger.
Your partner might be in another room needing time to think, but inside you it can feel like rejection, abandonment or a threat to the relationship.
That’s why chasing can have such a desperate feeling to it.
You might keep asking what’s wrong. You might explain yourself again. You might send another message. You might apologise even when you’re not sure you’ve done anything wrong.
You aren’t necessarily chasing the conversation.
You may actually be chasing reassurance that you’re still loved and that everything is okay.
People Pleasing Can Play a Big Part in Chasing
People pleasing was a big part of my own pattern.
When you’re a people pleaser, other people’s emotional states can become incredibly important to you.
- If they’re happy, you relax.
- If they’re unhappy, you feel unsettled.
- If they’re unhappy with you, it can feel almost unbearable.
So you become very good at reading people. You notice a change in their voice, their face, their mood or their energy.
And then you try to fix it.
You may change what you were going to say. You back down. You apologise. You give more. You don’t bring something up because you don’t want an argument.
Slowly, the relationship becomes less about “What do I think and feel?” and more about “What do I need to do to keep you happy?”
When Keeping the Peace Means Losing Yourself
There’s nothing wrong with caring about your partner’s feelings.
The problem comes when their feelings consistently become more important than your own.
- You stop saying what you really think.
- You suppress how you feel.
- You tolerate things you don’t actually like.
- You don’t say no.
- You over-give and over-explain.
- You try harder and harder to keep the relationship secure.
And eventually you can end up abandoning yourself because you’re so frightened somebody else might abandon you.
That was something I had to recognise in myself.
The Chaser Can Become One-Down in the Relationship
I use aspects of Terry Real’s work in understanding these relationship dynamics, particularly the idea of moving into a one-up or one-down position.
The chaser can easily move into the one-down position.
Your partner becomes more important than you.
- Their feelings matter more.
- Their needs matter more.
- Keeping them happy becomes more important than being honest about what you need.
Underneath that can sit low self-worth and the belief:
“I’m not enough.”
- So you try harder.
- You love harder.
- You give more.
- You chase.
But a healthy relationship isn’t one person being more important than the other.
It’s two people meeting as equals.
Chasing Can Also Become Controlling
This can be difficult to recognise because most chasers don’t see themselves as controlling.
You may genuinely believe you’re trying to save the relationship.
But think about what happens when your partner says they need space and you continue to follow them, question them or insist that you talk about it immediately.
Underneath that behaviour can be:
“I need you to change what you’re doing so I can feel better.”
That’s why chasing can become controlling without you consciously intending it to.
You’re trying to regulate what’s happening inside you by changing what’s happening inside them.
Recognising this isn’t about blaming yourself. It’s about becoming aware of the pattern so you have the opportunity to change it.
Where Did You Learn to Chase Love?
This is where I believe we need to become curious about our history.
These patterns don’t necessarily begin with our husband, wife or current partner.
Often, they began much earlier.
Think about who you had to be growing up.
- Were you the people pleaser?
- Were you the peacekeeper?
- Did you learn to read the room?
- Could you tell Mum or Dad was unhappy before they even said anything?
- Did you learn not to upset people?
- Were you allowed to disagree?
- Were your needs important?
Could somebody be unhappy with you and you still knew that you were loved?
And here’s another question I often come back to:
Who nurtured you when you were sad?
Sometimes Chasing Is an Old Survival Pattern
For me, understanding my own history changed the way I understood my relationships.
I could see that people pleasing and seeking reassurance hadn’t suddenly appeared in adulthood.
They were adaptations.
A younger version of me had learned to look outside herself for love, reassurance, validation and safety.
That younger part learned:
- Keep everybody happy.
- Don’t rock the boat.
- Be good.
- Make yourself useful.
- Fix it.
- Try harder.
Those strategies may have helped you cope when you were younger.
But something can be adaptive in childhood and become maladaptive in an adult relationship.
Your Partner May Be Triggering Something Much Older
This is why the intensity of your reaction is worth getting curious about.
Your partner pulling away is happening today.
But what it activates inside you may be much older.
That doesn’t mean your partner’s behaviour doesn’t matter. It absolutely does.
But rather than only asking:
“Why are they doing this to me?”
We can also ask:
“Why does this affect me so deeply?”
That’s where personal growth begins.
Are You Reacting From Your Adaptive Child?
I describe this younger, protective part as the Adaptive Child.
When the Adaptive Child is activated, you can become reactive. You may overthink everything. You can become defensive, frightened or desperate to fix the situation.
The Adaptive Child says:
- Please talk to me.
- Please love me.
- Please tell me we’re okay.
- Please don’t leave me.
There’s nothing shameful about having this response.
This part of you developed for a reason.
But your adult relationship needs something different from you now.
Pause Before You Chase
The next time your partner pulls away, notice what happens inside you before you put your foot on the accelerator and chase.
- Pause.
- Notice your body.
- Notice your thoughts.
- Notice the urgency.
Then ask yourself:
- What am I feeling right now?
- Why am I panicking?
- What am I frightened this means?
- What am I trying to get from my partner?
And perhaps the biggest question of all:
Can somebody I love be unhappy with me and I still be okay within myself?
That’s the work.
Move From the Adaptive Child to the Wise Adult
Changing this pattern doesn’t mean becoming cold or detached.
It doesn’t mean thinking, “Well, stuff you. I don’t need you either.”
That’s not growth.
The work is learning to come back to your centre and respond from what I call your Wise Adult.
Your Wise Adult can recognise:
I matter.
- My feelings matter.
- My needs matter.
- I can want connection without chasing it.
- I can give somebody space without abandoning myself.
- I don’t have to fix somebody else’s feelings to feel secure within myself.
The Wise Adult can pause and make a decision rather than automatically reacting from fear.
Learn to Be There for Yourself
Sometimes coming back to yourself is very practical.
- Take some breaths.
- Go for a walk.
- Journal.
- Spend some time in nature.
- Call someone you trust.
- Notice what you’re feeling rather than immediately trying to make the feeling disappear.
Ask yourself what you need.
The more you practise doing this, the more you learn that another person’s mood doesn’t have to determine your emotional wellbeing.
Your partner can need space and you can still be okay.
You Don’t Have to Chase Love
Healthy relationships aren’t about never needing another person.
We all need love, connection, closeness and belonging.
But there is a difference between wanting connection and being dependent on another person to make you feel worthy.
- You can deeply love your partner and still have boundaries.
- You can want reassurance without demanding it.
- You can want closeness without abandoning yourself to get it.
- You can learn to stand in your own worth and meet your partner as an equal.
So What Are You Really Chasing?
If you recognise yourself in this pattern, I want you to sit with one question:
When your partner pulls away, what are you actually chasing?
Are you chasing them?
Or are you chasing the feeling that you’re okay?
Because when you begin to understand what’s underneath the chasing, you have an opportunity to change a pattern that may have been with you for most of your life.
Relationship Counselling in Brisbane, Capalaba and Redlands
If you recognise these patterns in your marriage or relationship and you keep finding yourselves stuck in the same cycle, understanding what’s happening underneath the behaviour can be an important first step.
At Power of Change Counselling, I work with couples to uncover the patterns behind conflict, emotional distance and disconnection — and help them create healthier ways of relating to themselves and each other.
My Relationship Reset Assessment is designed to help us understand where your relationship is now, the patterns that are keeping you stuck and what needs to change.
For couples who need deeper support, the 60-Day Marriage Reset provides a structured process to work on the underlying patterns and rebuild connection, closeness and trust.
Helping relationships thrive — one couple at a time.