Have you ever walked away from an argument with your partner thinking, “That wasn’t how I wanted that conversation to go.”
Maybe you found yourself explaining, justifying, shutting down, blaming, changing the subject or walking away. If so, you’re not alone.
After nearly 20 years of working with couples, one thing has become incredibly clear to me. Most people don’t become defensive because they’re difficult, it’s because they’re trying to protect themselves.
The problem is that while our protective walls may stop us from getting hurt, they also stop us from feeling deeply connected.
The Three Little Pigs and Our Emotional Walls
Let me explain.
Most of us know the story of The Three Little Pigs.
The first little pig built his house out of straw. The second built his house from sticks. The third built his house from bricks.
The brick house protected him from the wolf. But here’s another way to think about that story.
Those bricks also became walls.
When we’re emotionally hurt, criticised or judged, we often begin building emotional walls around ourselves. Those walls may protect us. But they can also stop our partner from getting close.
That’s exactly what defensiveness does. It protects us, but at the same time it blocks the connection we’re longing for.
Defensiveness Is a Protective Response
One of the biggest misconceptions about defensiveness is believing it’s a personality flaw. It isn’t.
Defensiveness is your nervous system trying to keep you emotionally safe. Think about when you tend to become defensive.
Usually it’s because you feel:
- Criticised
- Blamed
- Judged
- Misunderstood
- Rejected
- Like you’ve got something wrong
- Like you’re not enough
Your nervous system reacts before you’ve even had time to think, it happens that quick. It’s doing exactly what it was designed to do. Protect you.
Defensiveness Looks Different for Everyone
Not everyone becomes defensive in the same way. For some people it looks like explaining or justifying themselves.
For others it might look like:
- Blaming
- Counter-attacking
- Shutting down
- Stonewalling
- Going quiet
- Walking away
- Avoiding difficult conversations
- Changing the subject
- Becoming sarcastic
- Using humour to avoid vulnerability
- Throwing themselves into work
As I was preparing my recent podcast episode, I found myself smiling because I recognised some of my own defensive patterns too.
Awareness isn’t about judging yourself. It’s about noticing.
Awareness Always Comes Before Change
This is something I talk about often because it has changed my own life.
Awareness always comes before change.
For many years I didn’t have that awareness. I simply knew I was sad, mad or glad. I didn’t have the emotional vocabulary to understand what was happening inside me.
I certainly didn’t recognise when my nervous system had become activated.
Now, when I notice myself becoming defensive, I actually say it out loud.
“I’m noticing I’m becoming defensive.”
Sometimes I’ll even say, “Can we slow this conversation down?”
Those simple words change everything. They stop the conversation from escalating.
They help my partner understand what’s happening inside me instead of assuming I don’t care.
Most importantly, they help me take responsibility for my own emotional reactions.
Look Beneath the Wall
One question I often ask myself is this: What am I actually protecting?
Because underneath defensiveness there’s usually something much deeper. Perhaps I’m feeling criticised or I’m afraid of getting it wrong.
Perhaps I feel misunderstood or something my partner has said has touched an old wound.
The conversation may be happening today, but the emotional reaction could have started years ago. That’s why self-reflection is so important.
Instead of asking, “Why am I so defensive?” Try asking, “What feels threatened right now?”
Your Partner Will Trigger You
Here’s something that may surprise you. Your partner is going to trigger you and you’re going to trigger them. That’s part of being in a close relationship.
The goal isn’t to avoid being triggered, the goal is learning how to respond differently when it happens. Your triggers are your responsibility. Your defensiveness is your responsibility.
That doesn’t mean your partner is always right and sometimes their tone is harsh and they are critical and they’re tired, stressed or overwhelmed.
They’re human. And so are you.
Emotional Safety Changes Everything
One of the biggest problems with defensiveness is that eventually your partner stops bringing things to you.
They stop talking about the little thing and then they stop talking about the big things. Eventually they stop talking altogether.
That’s how emotional distance grows.
I’ve worked with couples where that distance feels like an ocean and the communication has become so strained that we have to return to the basics.
Learning how to listen. Learning how to soften our tone and learning how to create emotional safety again.
Start Softly
The way we begin a conversation often determines how it ends. The Gottmans call this a soft start-up.
Imagine these two approaches.
“You said you’d bring the milk home and now you’ve forgotten again!”
Or…
“Hey, earlier you mentioned you’d pick up the milk. When things change, I’d really appreciate you letting me know because it helps me plan.”
Can you hear the difference? The second conversation is far more likely to create dialogue instead of defensiveness.
Our tone matters. Our words matter. Our approach matters.
My Challenge for You This Week
The next time you notice yourself becoming defensive, don’t judge yourself.
Simply pause. Take one slow breath. Then quietly say,
“I’m noticing I’m becoming defensive.” That one sentence creates awareness.
Awareness creates choice. Choice creates change.
And change creates healthier relationships.
Final Thoughts
The quality of your relationship isn’t determined by whether you have conflict.
Every couple has conflict. The quality of your relationship is determined by how you move through conflict together.
Healthy couples learn how to repair and they become curious instead of critical. They seek understanding before defending themselves.
Learning to lower your emotional walls isn’t about becoming weak, it’s about becoming emotionally courageous and emotional courage creates connection.
Listen to the Podcast
If you’d like to explore this topic further, I’d love you to listen to this week’s episode of the Empowered Marriage Podcast: How to Stop Defensiveness.
In this episode, I go deeper into why we become defensive, the different ways it shows up, how the Gottman Four Horsemen influence relationships, and practical strategies you can begin using today to create more connection, closeness and trust.
Remember, every relationship is a reflection of the relationship you have with yourself.
“The power of change is within you.”
Ready for the Next Step?
If your relationship feels stuck in the same patterns, a Relationship Assessment is the perfect place to begin.
Together, we’ll uncover what’s really happening beneath the conflict, identify the patterns keeping you disconnected, and create a clear path forward.
You can’t change what you can’t see. Clarity creates choice. Choice creates change.
If you’re ready to create more connection, closeness and trust, I’d love to support you.
Book your Relationship Assessment today.
Helen Harrison
Award-Winning Relationship & Personal Growth Specialist
Power of Change Counselling & Coaching
Brisbane & Online
Ready to take the first step? Book your Relationship Assessment here today.
