You’re no longer attracted to your partner
Realising you’re no longer attracted to your partner can be scary, worrying and all too consuming. You start getting stuck in your head, overthinking and catastrophising. Stay in it too long and you get into an emergency response and the fight and flight response takes over. Before you know it, you’ve moved out, in a rental and have started a new life.
For starters let’s slow down, right down. For some of you, the lack of attraction can be a phase and for others, it may mean the heart has left.
The key is addressing this as soon as possible and being honest with yourself. This just didn’t happen by accident. It has been a slow decline in the connection, communication, and intimacy. Once your honest with yourself (often the hardest step) you can begin to move forward with what is the right move next for you.
7 Steps to exploring Attraction.
Dependent on many factors and especially the number of years you have been together. A couple that has been together for 5 years is going to be very different from the couple that has been together for 20 years including more baggage, wounds and perhaps a longer time of disconnection.
1. Begin with what you Can Control vs. Cannot Control
I always come back to what you have the power to change. Understanding what you can change: either things that are not changeable or things, that if they were to change, would have to be changed by someone other than you, which is out of your control.
For example, you cannot change what your spouse feels, only they can. You can’t change what has happened, not what your spouse has done or what you have done. The past is unchangeable; it is what it is.
You cannot change your partners drinking, swearing, overtalking, biting their nails, socialising, messy hair, body odour, addiction to social media, disrespectfulness, stress, unsupportive around the house, depression and so much more……
you can change what you do NOW.
- the way you act
- the ways you react
- the way you think, and,
- with the right approach, the way you feel.
It’s an absolute MUST that you understand the difference between what you can change and what you can’t. Do not allow yourself to drift into the fantasy that you can change someone that you CANNOT change. Allowing yourself to think that you can, will sabotage any effort you make toward saving your marriage.
2. Calm versus stress
It’s normal for you to feel stress about whether you can salvage your marriage and bring that attraction back. There are other emotions with that stress. Fear, sadness, anxiety pain, anger, powerlessness, hopelessness and so many more. It’s normal but prolonged it’s negative and toxic.
Developing calmness and being grounded is one of the best and most powerful things you can do to save your marriage. Not only to come back together but to be fulfilled and in love.
The more you operate out of the negative side, the stress side…the greater the likelihood that the things you do will work against salvaging your marriage. If you let the negatives take over and rule you, those negatives will destroy any hope for this marriage.
3. Look at yourself first:
To have desire for your partner, you have to have that desire within yourself. Many people lose desire, and you lose that fundamental connection with yourself. When you lose desire, you may have put weight on, working long hours, stressed and if you have any anxiety, you’re not going to have any desire for yourself and feelings of pleasure or any joy.
You need to recreate the connection and desire within yourself. Do you pick yourself up some lingerie? Do you have a beautiful warm bath? Start being creative. Perhaps working with a therapist to uncover the different parts of you and your sexual energy.
4. Make your relationship a priority:
- Sitting aside designated times during each day to talk
- Enjoying regular date nights
- Moving heaven and earth to make sure that nothing else gets in the way of the two of you spending quality time together, your relationship needs to become a priority.
- To get up from whatever you’re doing and just give each other a big hug when you partner gets home.
- Kiss studies show that oxytocin a feel-good hormone is released through physical contact. And so, this helps you to naturally feel closer and better about yourself and your relationship.
- Introducing an electronic ban. Both of you put all your electronic equipment out of the bedroom.
- When did you last look into your partner’s eyes? Start eye gazing. That is a tremendous way to start connecting with each other without having to talk.
5. Take up a new activity:
- Signing up to a new activity that the two of you can do together.
- Do something adrenaline-like, which can bring some excitement.
- Try a cooking class together.
- Joining a pub trivia team.
- Dancing and shake things up.
It’s going to create new conversations and you may begin to see each other in a whole new light.
6. Breaking routine:
When you’ve got a routine, it’s the same. “We have sex on Sunday and Wednesday”. If you want to stop being roommates and best friends and you want to be lovers, breaking routine means acknowledging that we need change to create the attraction again.
Breaking routine is really, important. And if you want to bring the spark back, breaking routine is essential. And bringing back the essence of romance. Surprise, anticipation and mystery. It’s exciting and it’s being able to bring that spark back in.
7. Can you be a better partner?
Putting yourself in a position to be open, to hear what your partner’s saying. It’s so easy to become defensive and what we perceived to be criticisms. But if you can reframe your partner’s words so that you hear only solutions, that can be a quick way of getting around otherwise lengthy and detailed issues which could just work to eventually bury you.
Desire is about staying open to yourself and your partner.
The mystery of that person in your life who is living right beside you. And it’s about having trust and being vulnerable. The desire to reawaken the spark in you and your relationship begins with a choice followed very closely by assertive communication.
Tune into to my Empowered Marriage Podcast to learn more. This fortnight’s podcast is available now and discusses this topic in more depth.
You’re no longer attracted to your partner – https://www.powerofchange.com.au/empowered-marriage-podcast/