When you have a problem in your life you work out what your doing wrong, come up with a solution and you try and fix it yourself or seek assistance.
What I find in the couples I have worked with is when there are problems in the marriage generally each partner blames each other and waits for the other to change.
This waiting and blaming is very destructive to yourself and your marriage. Each of you needs to take responsibility for the problems and aide in the solutions.
Common relationship problems include:
- Sexual issues
- Different views about money
- Lack of common goals
- Feeling misunderstood by partner
- Difficulty in openly expressing feelings and thoughts
- Difficulty in expressing love and affection
- Different interests
- Different parenting views
- Power struggles
Being committed to yourself and the marriage and changes that you can do to start improving the quality of your relationship is the key.
Common signs that your marriage needs mending are:
- Fewer positive exchanges
- Increased arguments
- Decreased desire to spend time together
- Thinking about or threatening to end the relationship
- Increased criticism and particularly in public
- Talking to friends and family and marriage problems
- Speaking nastily to each other
- Withdrawing physically and emotionally
- Reduced sexual desire
- Avoidance and resentment as less desire to resolve conflict
- Breaking up and getting back together
Owning your problems instead of blaming your partner is a very empowering way to mend problems in your marriage.
Looking inwards first can stop so many knee-jerk reactions and misunderstandings. I encourage you to work through the 7 steps to mend your marriage and notice if any changes occur.
7 Steps to Mend My Marriage in 7 days
Day 1: Identify what made you fall in love
- Physical attraction
- Similar values
- Enjoying similar interests
- Like mindedness
- Voice, tone the way your partner spoke to you
- Zest and passion for life
- Passion and chemistry
- Emotional connection
Just a few examples of what I have heard over the years working with clients. Sit separately and list and then have turns of discussing this in more detail. Can be very special if you allow yourself to go there.
Day 2: Start to listen to each other
- I see you
- I hear you
- I understand your perspective
- You talk, I’ll just listen
- Tell me how that feels
When you feel like your being heard it can make such a difference to how you feel about your partner.
Put a timer on your phone, take turns. Just listen. Begin with 5 minutes.
Day 3: Reflect on why marriage is not working
Be honest and speak truthfully as to why the marriage isn’t working. Use I statements, take turns in sharing, talking and listening.
Day 4: Talk to each other
Turn off the phone, look at each other and start talking, listening and sharing.
Day 5: Don’t let distractions get in the way
More talking and listening, working together to find solutions. You know your distractions from Netflix, work, alcohol, the children and you.
Day 6: Find a way to connect again
What does that mean to you? Walking, a fortnightly date. Being creative, getting out of habit and planning something different and fun.
Day 7: Will, Want and Work
Will: Bring the dreams back, desires, the goals, the fun, the desire
Want: the commitment you made to yourself and each other
Work: it takes work
Take a week’s break and do it all again. The idea is to fall in love again and have the empowered marriage that you both deserve.
Tune into to my Empowered Marriage Podcast to learn more. This fortnight’s podcast is available now and discusses this topic in more depth. Mend my marriage – https://www.powerofchange.com.au/empowered-marriage-podcast/