What do you think the top four most argued issues ever are? Yes, you guessed it:
- Sex
- Money
- Chores
- Children
Partners will always have disagreements, however, it’s how you overcome conflict and this is dependent on your communication skills.
1. Sex
Sex is such a common problem in marriage, not enough of it or not having it at all and many more reasons why sex can create conflict. Too tired, not in the mood and just mismatched libidos. Its critical couples address this asap to minimise issues in the future. Picking a time that is right where you are both relaxed, not distracted to discuss this in deeper detail. Below are a few ideas to get you started and to begin communicating:
- What do you enjoy/don’t enjoy sexually?
- Are there specific sexual acts that make you uncomfortable?
- What does sex give us? Connection, spirituality, connection physically?
- What’re your fears around sex/ intimacy?
- Commencement of sex, what do you need to be in the mood?
- Do you feel comfortable initiating sex? Why or why not?
- How often would you prefer or expect sex?
- How could you each contribute to making your sexual relationship more satisfying?
Communicating about sex can eliminate so many problems including making assumptions and taking things very personally and then you end up inside your head overthinking it.
2. Money:
Money fights are rarely about money. Looking at the FEAR that’s fuelling it. Money means different things to different people and can create a lot of conflicts.
- Money as status
- Money as security
- Money as enjoyment
- Money as control/power
We all value money differently and when you’re in conflict with your partner perhaps it’s because:
- You have a fear of not having a say on the important issues and decisions so feel unheard and insignificant which can affect your self-esteem and self-worth.
- You have a fear of not having security in your future.
- Your fear of not achieving or realising your dreams.
Being able to openly, honestly express your feelings about money and owning the disfunction you may display is a great place to start.
3. Chores
Chores and conflict and no one ever wins. If your keeping score you will most probably be feeling resentment towards your partner. Marriage is lived best when you work as a team and you both contribute to what it takes to run a household.
Say for an example one of you is a foodie and this isn’t gender orientated. This is about what your strengths are. You’re a foodie and you’re really, good at cooking. Perhaps you’ll do a bit more of the cooking. Perhaps you’re the social one in the couple, so you’ll organise the social calendar. Dividing up what is needed in running a household or running life and running a marriage is the key. It’s not about keeping score and it’s all about understanding your partner better and to love each other even during a disagreement.
4. Children
Children are great at playing one parent off for another which adds fuel to the parenting fire. The key is to get on the same page as this creates teamwork. It’s perhaps it’s not easy to agree with your partner but if you can agree in privacy you may have a better chance when you’re in the thick of it.
Trying to not solve your parenting conflict in the moment as the children can often enjoy the show. Reaching an agreement and sticking to it is the key because if you are a united front the children will quickly learn what is the norm.
Communication is the key
By communicating in an assertive manner, confident, clear and can ask for what you want you are taking responsibility for your communication. You are using “I” statements and your positive and respectful in your communication. Assertive communication does help enormously to reduce conflict in your marriage.
Tune into to my Empowered Marriage Podcast to learn more. This week’s podcast discusses this topic in more depth. The top four most argued issues ever – https://www.powerofchange.com.au/empowered-marriage-podcast/
