It’s extremely painful if you’re in a marriage or in a relationship and the communication has broken down.
You’ve stopped talking to each other, you’ve stopped connecting, and you’re watching TV in different lounge rooms. There is no longer any fun, connection, sex, or closeness, and you’re lonely and stuck.
What does working at your intimate relationship look like?
Talking about it for a start. Hoping doesn’t get one very far.
Here are my 8 ways to get started:
- Firstly, take a team approach: Not a confrontational approach. Men you want to fix it, putting on the fix it hat! You have probably worked out that is not helpful.
- Kicking off a conversation: Be an active listener. Don’t prepare your response while your partner is speaking. Instead, reflect to them what you heard. Only then should you share your opinion.
- Time and place: Pick a time and a place where you will be relaxed and not interrupted or distracted. It makes it a lot easier to have a more laid-back conversation about a potentially tricky subject. If you’re discussing a sex, finance, or parenting problem, it can be triggering and painful.
- Go really slowly: Perhaps start with the easiest first and leave the hardest topic until the connection is stronger.
- Positives first: Focus on what’s going well before you bring up an issue or request. “I really enjoy connecting with you and going for a hike, and I particularly like it when we laugh and when we bring in humour. It would be amazing if we could do that this weekend. Are you up for that?” When you include the things that are going well into the conversation, it creates possibility to open up and talk further.
- Ideal versus essential needs: I have seen couples make extraordinary shifts using this exercise, particularly in sex.
Talk about what you would like in two ways — in an ‘ideal world’ I would love to be having this much sex/have my partner initiate/spend this long on sex. And then think about that statement again in terms of a ‘good enough’ world — what is the minimum you need to survive? This will show how much stretch there is between our best-case scenario and the baseline needs we have. It’s a powerful exercise.
- Asking for what you want in your relationship: We want to have interests of our own, and shared experiences, but often we’re too afraid to ask for what we want. It’s so important to get those conversations on the table for a healthier happier relationship.
- I know some couples find it absolutely difficult to talk about sex: but I can tell you that the more you do it, the easier it gets, and you stand to benefit a great deal.
Sex is a skill, and it can be learnt. If you want to have good sex, it is necessary that you prioritise it. And again, talk about it with your partner. Talk about your hopes in terms of connection, frequency, things that you do or would like to try, and the amount of time that you would like to spend on your intimate connection. At the end of the day, getting the sex life you want is up to you and no one else.
If you’ve lost your spark and are feeling disconnected and frustrated about the state of your relationship, but want to avoid separation and/or divorce, then opening up the conversation is crucial.
Perhaps Counselling & Coaching you are not ready for. Welcome to Ignite. A 6-week online program designed to help you build a happier, healthier marriage and relationship filled with passion, desire, and fun.
This platform will help reignite your spark and keep the fire burning for many years to come. You will learn about communication, conflict resolution and intimacy to build a stronger, more connected marriage. Launching in March 2023.
Listen to the Podcast on this topic – Podcast 111 From Lonely to Loving in your Marriage
Are you ready for Relationship Coaching? Head straight to the Relationship Coaching page
Or read this article for more info – https://powerofchange.com.au/are-you-a-lonely-wife-or-husband/
