What’s your pattern and when to walk away. I have found a lot of people will do anything to make their relationship work and that is why they almost never regret it when it’s time to walk away. Yes, it is painful and there will be grief, but they do it anyway. Toxic is when you cannot let go but your partner cannot treat you right.
What does toxic look like?
Toxic is critical, dominating, passive, hopeless, powerless, disempowered, low self-esteem, low self-confidence, low self-worth, resentful, angry, oppressed, ashamed, misunderstood weak, unmotivated, exhaustion/fatigue and much more ……….
Going back to somebody that isn’t good for you, you are going to miss them until you don’t, and you will then move on.
A new mindset can change your life. For you to get what you’re doing to yourself. No one is creating this internal pain within yourself; you are allowing it because you are choosing to stay in a toxic marriage.
What’s your pattern and when to walk away. Understanding the pattern, you are playing can be helpful. An example of a pattern is a rescuer.
The Rescuer:
You take on other people’s problems to avoid your own and it makes you feel good about yourself.
You come from a place within yourself that:
- You need my help
- You’re not ok and I am nice, and I will fix you
- You feel guilty and anxious if you’re not rescuing.
- You feel connected when you’re with a victim as they are dependant with you.
- Sometimes a parent role with your partner.
- When you rescue this creates a feeling of better than, superior, and I’m more capable.
- You are in control when rescuing and your people-pleasing.
When your rescuing you can avoid yourself and your own problems. Your avoiding yourself often coupled with alcohol, drugs or any other behaviours where you can avoid reality. You can avoid your own feelings and just concentrate on rescuing. As a rescuer you are limiting the quality of your life and your hopes, dreams and desires will stay stuck and eventually die. Often a habitual pattern that you project out to others. It’s very disempowering, problem-focused and generally formed from childhood. A habitual pattern that you are projecting out.
Stop long enough to feel this, feel what you are doing to yourself and feel the part you are playing. Giving yourself tender care which as humans does not come easily.
What you’re doing up to now isn’t working for you. It’s a choice even if at this moment you’re not feeling it. You’re aware of what you’re doing however it just seems so overwhelming to change it and do anything differently. This is all about changing your mindset and breaking free from the limiting thinking you have up to now. Bite-size pieces, little by little, faking it until you make it type of mentality. Was Rome built in a day? No. Cutting yourself some slack, showing yourself some kindness, which can seem very foreign if you haven’t received a lot of kindness in your life, particularly in your childhood.
You’re now going to shift roles consciously because you can, and you choose too, you understand what you are doing to yourself.
You become solution-focused and you don’t focus on the problems and getting stuck. You consciously take bold steps towards the outcomes you want in your life. You take 100% responsibility for your life and you understand its not your responsibility to make someone else happy.
4 Ways The Rescuer becomes the Coach:
You coach yourself coming from a place of empowerment and you are your own best coach.
- You’re very clear of your boundaries and its not your job to solve other people’s problems. You know it’s not your problems to solve.
- You ask yourself powerful questions to bring clarity to any problems that may arise.
- You surround yourself with people who help themselves or people who can be your teacher or coach, people who help you to help yourself. Surrounding yourself with like-minded people.
- You approach life from curiosity, and what am I meant to be learning from this. Having empathy and passion for yourself and others.
Other patterns include Persecutor and Victim which becomes the challenger and creator.
Your energy will be vibrating at a higher level and you will be feeling: empowered, healthy self-esteem, healthy self-confidence, strong self-worth, grateful, calmness, joy and happiness, compassion/kindness, proud, assertive strong, motivated, energised And much more…
Identifying what you do means you can then change it. Being able to live in the present and live life on your terms and being victorious and an active participant. You live not just in your head but in the body and vibrating from a much higher level and intuitively. It is a choice and you may do 3 steps forward and 5 back but in time your mindset will begin to shift.
Tune into to my Empowered Marriage Podcast to learn more. This fortnight’s podcast is available now and discusses this topic in more depth. What’s your pattern and when to walk away – https://www.powerofchange.com.au/empowered-marriage-podcast/
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